New research delivers enlightening insight into the sex life of the Scottish male.
PREPARATION Friday night is very much love-night for the Scottish man. Arriving back from the pub, having partaken of the traditional Scottish aphrodisiac - 12 pints, a white pudding supper and 3 pickled onions - his mind is set on one thing - LOVE! Or as he says himself, "Ma nookie!" His lust at fever pitch after the sensuous excitement of a hard night's dominoes, he approaches his beloved wife, enticing her with gentle words of passion, "Any chance a ma hole?" The good lady in question perhaps over excited by the erotic smell of stale beer or the sensuous vision of pickled onions sticking to his chin, is at first somewhat reluctant. This coy reluctance is expressed with the flirtatious reply, "Awaity f**k ya bam." FOREPLAY Foreplay is very important indeed. This basically consists of the male casting off his lightly soiled Y-fronts provocatively at his wife, usually landing skid-mark side down, as he approaches the bed singing the ancient Gaelic fertility chant, "Here we go, here we go, here we go." Upon reaching the bed, he comments proudly on his rampant 8 incher. This is a classic example of alcohol induced double vision. INITIAL PROBLEMS After 12 pints, sometimes the man's wee Willie Winkle is a trifle reluctant to extend itself literally. Impotence is very much a blow to the man's self-esteem and the wife has to be very tactful. She will offer gentle and sensitive words of encouragement such as, "Ya useless bastard, " or possibly, "It ne'er happens tae ra milkman.
" FELLATIO Oral sex is a great favourite of the Scotsman. He approaches his wife with a cheeky invitation, "How'd ya like to put yer teeth roon this?" The woman nods willingly and points suggestively to her falsies smiling happily in a bedside tumbler.
"Go'on yersel, " she says, "jist dinnae disturb me." DOWN TO BUSINESS Eventually the moment comes to consummate their tender love. Again, alcohol induced double vision is an important factor as the man decides which of his willies to use for penetration. Sometimes in his excitement he maysuffer from severe premature ejaculation. A phenomenon he explains to his wife using the poetic phrase, "F**k me, I've shot ma load." If this does occur, it is essential he makes up for disappointing his wife by uttering tender and loving compliments such as, perhaps, informing her she's the nicest woman he's ever come across. An imaginative lover, the Scotsman, possibly having read the woman likes to be spoken dirty to, says such things as, "Shite, a******e." The woman is speechless. The man is now thrusting away, his mind a kaleidoscope of jumbled erotic thoughts. The woman wonders if they should repaint the ceiling. Sometimes she utters a word of encouragement such as, "Are you sure it's in?" Given his level of sexual expertise, the Scotsman's ideal partner should be a versatile lover specialising in the faked orgasm. This takes the form of a breathless shout, "Ooyah, ooyah, gallus big man." Eventually it's all over.
The man rolls over, wipes his willie on her nightie, falls asleep, and commences snoring like a pig.
There's no one in the world performs quite like a Scotsman - a veritable prince in the kingdom of sex. |
