A man walks into a bar with a monkey on his shoulder. He sits down and orders a beer. As he's drinking his beer, his monkey starts running around. The monkey first picks up an olive from an empty glass and eats it. Then grabs a wedge of lime and eats that too. The bartender is amazed! The monkey then runs to a pool table where he proceeds to grab the cue ball and swallow it whole! The bartender shreiks, "hey mister your f**king monkey ate my cue ball!". The guy replies "yeah, he's a crazy bastard! I'll pay for everything." The man pays for everything, apologizes and exits.

Two weeks later the man returns with the monkey again.

He sits down and orders a beer. As he's drinking, the monkey jumps on top of the bar, grabs a c**ktail cherry, jams it up his ass, and then eats it! The bartender is astonished. He shreiks, "Mister your monkey just shoved a cherry up his ass and ate it!" The man replies, " Yeah I know, after the cue ball, he's learned to measure everything first!"